It's been a long long time since I touched this blog. To think it's existed at least fifteen years... a glimpse through all my art, writing, and experiences. Well, what little glimpse I remembered to post. I'm gonna clean up some of these old posts a tiny bit, delete some stuff that just doesn't need to be here anymore. To think I had this thing before 2010 even, but that I wiped the thing clean. Oh well. The memories of some people still live on in this blog, not that they're all dead or anything. Just some ghosts. R and J especially. Hell even S, though I hear you go by I now. I wonder what you are all up to now.
In the swath of my life that's come and gone thus far, here's a small life update. Not like anyone is reading this anymore that knows me from then, I think. I'm married. I've been married for five going on six years now. He's sweet, gentle, loving. I think what you were trying to be, with all your moxie, J. You knew him actually, we used to joke thinking maybe he isn't straight. We were right, funnier now though that he's my husband. More to that, I'm in a poly relationship. My boyfriend is also a sweet gentleman. Any of my ghosts though if you're there, never knew him. We met well into my failed attempts at college.
I came to learn I'm non-binary. Gender has always been a funny thing to me. As a kid I always just went with he/him cause that's what I was told people like me used. I went with it. Maybe my autistic ass was too okay with the world being black and white, even when my brain screamed that things weren't right in so many other places. I realized that as my last major relationship was coming to a close. Before even the last post on this blog, the one lamenting Tumblr.
Sometimes my mind wanders to the three of you especially. Did you know you all still live on in my main story? The parts of our relationships living and breathing as if all the sorrows and woes never happened in some ways. When I see them, when I write them, it's like a time capsule of the joys we shared together. I spent some time looking at the blogs I could find of yours'. J and S/I particularly. J, if you ever answer, why'd you do that in my home? I think I was far too young for you, I think our families were right on that front. Two dumb kids in love at the time and you broke my heart so badly. I hope all is well for you, that you've moved on from the bitter end we had. Hey R, I heard you had kids. Gods that sounds wild to me, I still want some eventually myself. I still talk to E sometimes, she and I have kept up together. I wanted to go to her wedding so badly, but then Covid happened and work, suddenly I couldn't. My mom and I still think of you, even with how violent the end got. I cried myself to sleep the rest of the week after. I think we got too comfortable with each other's ever-staying presence. Maybe that's what destroyed us? Maybe it was the fist you raised? Maybe the headbutt that responded... I wish it never happened like that. Hey S/I, do you still write? I heard you still do music. I'm sorry about your partner, I hope you can heal from that. Remember the day you read that letter out to me, telling me who you wanted to be when all you were raised to be was against that? I'll never forget. You're the one I least regret in so many ways, but I wish you only the kindness you needed and never had growing up. It came to be too much even in high school, you clung to me like someone trying to stay afloat from a sinking ship and were drowning me from it. I had days where I couldn't go in to school from the anxiety of seeing you, I never told you that then, it'd have crushed you. I couldn't keep up with the notes, I was drowning in paper. All the same, I should have properly said goodbye. I shouldn't have just disappeared. I wish all three of you ease and kindness, something I couldn't back then. Part of me hopes this finds you three, the other doesn't care whatsoever. I think that's growing up and moving on now that I'm nearing 30.
I think that may be it, just living life now with my partners and understanding myself more. There was that half decade of helping and eventually running a comic store for someone, but that's another tale and not one worth much mention beyond that it did shape me.
Either way my ghosts, R, J, S/I, and anyone else who comes to find this blog. This is not a corpse, merely a creature hibernating.
- G.
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