Tokokyohi
Those who walk in darkness look towards the sky.
Friday, October 17, 2025
Lubricated Gears and Fluid Motion
Tuesday, October 14, 2025
Cleaned up a bit
Well the name says it all, went through a deleted some random old posts and patched up a few so they don't have old monikers. All in all, still wild how much and how little I did with this thing. Maybe I'll get myself into the habit once again, for old time's sake. But I've never been one for habits, eh?
2025 nears it's close and I'm revisiting three ghosts
It's been a long long time since I touched this blog. To think it's existed at least fifteen years... a glimpse through all my art, writing, and experiences. Well, what little glimpse I remembered to post. I'm gonna clean up some of these old posts a tiny bit, delete some stuff that just doesn't need to be here anymore. To think I had this thing before 2010 even, but that I wiped the thing clean. Oh well. The memories of some people still live on in this blog, not that they're all dead or anything. Just some ghosts. R and J especially. Hell even S, though I hear you go by I now. I wonder what you are all up to now.
In the swath of my life that's come and gone thus far, here's a small life update. Not like anyone is reading this anymore that knows me from then, I think. I'm married. I've been married for five going on six years now. He's sweet, gentle, loving. I think what you were trying to be, with all your moxie, J. You knew him actually, we used to joke thinking maybe he isn't straight. We were right, funnier now though that he's my husband. More to that, I'm in a poly relationship. My boyfriend is also a sweet gentleman. Any of my ghosts though if you're there, never knew him. We met well into my failed attempts at college.
I came to learn I'm non-binary. Gender has always been a funny thing to me. As a kid I always just went with he/him cause that's what I was told people like me used. I went with it. Maybe my autistic ass was too okay with the world being black and white, even when my brain screamed that things weren't right in so many other places. I realized that as my last major relationship was coming to a close. Before even the last post on this blog, the one lamenting Tumblr.
Sometimes my mind wanders to the three of you especially. Did you know you all still live on in my main story? The parts of our relationships living and breathing as if all the sorrows and woes never happened in some ways. When I see them, when I write them, it's like a time capsule of the joys we shared together. I spent some time looking at the blogs I could find of yours'. J and S/I particularly. J, if you ever answer, why'd you do that in my home? I think I was far too young for you, I think our families were right on that front. Two dumb kids in love at the time and you broke my heart so badly. I hope all is well for you, that you've moved on from the bitter end we had. Hey R, I heard you had kids. Gods that sounds wild to me, I still want some eventually myself. I still talk to E sometimes, she and I have kept up together. I wanted to go to her wedding so badly, but then Covid happened and work, suddenly I couldn't. My mom and I still think of you, even with how violent the end got. I cried myself to sleep the rest of the week after. I think we got too comfortable with each other's ever-staying presence. Maybe that's what destroyed us? Maybe it was the fist you raised? Maybe the headbutt that responded... I wish it never happened like that. Hey S/I, do you still write? I heard you still do music. I'm sorry about your partner, I hope you can heal from that. Remember the day you read that letter out to me, telling me who you wanted to be when all you were raised to be was against that? I'll never forget. You're the one I least regret in so many ways, but I wish you only the kindness you needed and never had growing up. It came to be too much even in high school, you clung to me like someone trying to stay afloat from a sinking ship and were drowning me from it. I had days where I couldn't go in to school from the anxiety of seeing you, I never told you that then, it'd have crushed you. I couldn't keep up with the notes, I was drowning in paper. All the same, I should have properly said goodbye. I shouldn't have just disappeared. I wish all three of you ease and kindness, something I couldn't back then. Part of me hopes this finds you three, the other doesn't care whatsoever. I think that's growing up and moving on now that I'm nearing 30.
I think that may be it, just living life now with my partners and understanding myself more. There was that half decade of helping and eventually running a comic store for someone, but that's another tale and not one worth much mention beyond that it did shape me.
Either way my ghosts, R, J, S/I, and anyone else who comes to find this blog. This is not a corpse, merely a creature hibernating.
- G.
Thursday, February 14, 2019
I guess since tumblr died
Thursday, June 4, 2015
Steel Cage Heart
My heart is a cage,
locked up deep inside,
with walls that others see,
as a place to avoid.
Those who get close,
get locked up within,
never escaping,
this heart shaped prison.
So as I watch you,
slowly walk away,
from the tall walls,
that surround this cage.
I realize that you’re
still inside these bars,
for venturing too close,
allowed in its walls.
You explored the prison,
mapping out its design,
but you were snatched away,
and my heart declined.
So now the prison,
locks, again away,
from those who tiptoe near,
its tall walls again.
Mon Cher
I love when he smiles and his eyes shine
When he laughs and shows me his truthful self
Hopefully he will stay near by my side
For his love is more than a rich man’s wealth
His love means more to me than anything
How I wish to show him how much I feel
His hand holds mine and leaves it tingling
For just his touch makes my head spin and reel
Brightening my day just by being near
Holding me close as we slumber at night
Even in the dark I will never fear
Because he shall always be at my right
He makes me heartbeat fly like a white dove
I know that he is my only true love
Foreign
I look at these words so foreign to me
So far from home that I cannot bare it
I'm asking for bread but they give me tea
So different and new I'm feeling sick
Rent a room to call a place all my own
New things that I don't know how to use
Can't find a job so I must take a loan
Every interview I go they refuse
I pay my rent and stow the rest away
Months gone by and I yearn to see his face
I'll bring him here so he is safe with me
A place where they won't kill a certain race
He's here with me and now we're truly safe
It's strange how I'm now in love with this place
Untitled
The little boy who skips,
silently as he does,
plays with his friends,
the ones he’s made in his head.
Not long after, much hasn’t changed,
all except where he spends his days,
sitting and rocking at his desk,
punishment given for not being teacher’s best,
Small years fly by and new school begins,
awkward and shy with no friends,
not a soul to talk to and no one to love,
the boy sheds a tear for things that can’t be undone.
Year passes by still and he’s gaining courage,
little by little and finds someone sweet,
but bitterness comes as they lose their sweet taste,
not alone though, but scared to communicate.
A year rolls by and he steps into school,
making more friends and renewing them too,
the boy found love in the rightest of places,
smiling with friends he hides his past,
moving onward to make a brighter future.
Woods of Regrets
Trying to speak again, I managed to croak out 'Hello?' before realizing my throat was the cause of the muteness. Getting up, I brushed pine needles off of my legs, my cut off shorts exposing my mid thigh. The sweat on my skin stuck to the pine needles and made the removal make me shiver, as the wet skin made contact to the brisk air around it, no longer covered by the wooden barrier. I walked, trying to find a source of water, as I did I began to think.
My name is Emily Rothoburg, I am seventeen years old, and I am a senior in high school. I have a mother who works at a bookstore, and a dad who works at a realty company. I like to run and write poetry. My favorite band is Of Monsters & Men, and I love the fall. And I can't seem to think of anything else about myself, crap.
I look around me, these woods seem endless, and the breeze is killing me. How did I get here, and where am I? I walked a little forward beginning to see a clearing in the woods. I picked up the pace, making sure to be careful of where I stepped, not wanting to trip in my Toms. As I reached the clearing, I saw a rippling creek near the opposite end. I quickly sprinted over, suddenly craving water like it was oxygen. Reaching it's bank, I knelt down to cup water into my hands. Almost lustfully I drank the water by the handfuls, not stopping till I was full on the wonderful liquid.
I glance around, suddenly feeling vulnerable in the open space of the clearing. The feeling I was being watched grasped at my mind uncontrollably as a chill ran down my spine. I the steam was almost silent, and the breeze wasn't strong enough to cause the branches to sway from its force. This place really was too quiet. Nothing happens in the passing minutes, and the tension I feel lessens a bit. I stand up, but I'm struck with a sudden realization.
The pain in my head is unreal, I look around me seeing that the car is smashed to pieces. The throbbing
in my head makes it hard to focus my vision or my thoughts, and I try to move. I'm restrained, and see my seatbelt is still on. That's when the engine caught fire.
I open my eyes screaming, what was that? I had fallen in my strange hallucination. I look over at the creek, which is still rippling slowly. Only a girl is sitting at the bank. Not drinking from it though, but staring at me cautiously.
The girl's dark black hair was tangled and matted, her eyes seemed dull and grey. The breeze had picked up, and the sky had darkened. The scene chilled the me to the bone. Slowly standing up, both the girl and I never stopped looking at each other, till the girl broke the transfixation first. Running like a banshee, the girl sprinted back into the woods. Not being able to help myself, I ran after.
Who was she? Why was she frightened of me? These thoughts kept running through my head as I ran after the girl. Her dark hair meshed with the oncoming darkness of night, and the woods became longer and shadier as I continued to run. Eventually she got lost in the darkness ahead of me, and I halted my pursuit after the mysterious young girl.
I glanced around me, seeing that I have lost the way I came. I sit down slowly, waining sleep because of my tired legs. The darkness frightens me though, and I wish I knew where I was. The lurking feeling of slumber crept up to me though, and soon took over.
When I woke up it was light again, and I glanced up at the sky. Still littered with the high tree tops, the sky was blue now, cloudless and beautiful. I began to sit up, but the sounds of birds stopped me. The forest sounds natural for once, and the sounds were warming to my heart. The change of mood in the mysterious forest was really helping me with my sudden appearance in it, and also my fright. The shock of not knowing had faded away with the night, and now it seemed like a bright new beginning for what I could make of it. I stand up, brushing more of those annoying pine needles off my legs and sweater. That's when the images in my head come back.
The engine caught fire and I'm rushing to get my seat belt off.
"Zeke! Izzie! Are you okay?" I franticly get the restraining object off of me, and look at the back seat. The sight is sickening, the amount of blood caused me to begin to throw up right where I was. The whole back of the car was crushed, the semi truck that had rolled onto us smashed it to pieces.
I awoke, crunched into a ball again, tears running down my face. I wipes my tears and try to settle myself.
"Are you okay Miss?" A small voice from behind me catches my attention, and I whip around. A small boy in shorts and a striped shirt was staring at me. His black hair was messy and tangled, his brown eyes like chocolate orbs. I pause for a second, looking at him, then slowly nod my head.
"Were you crying?" I nod my head again. The little boy folds his arms and pouts a bit.
"Well, being sad won't get you anywhere, so try to be happy. My sister doesn't like it when you're screaming." I just stare at him when the memory comes back.
A little boy was smiling at me, a little girl holding his hand as they walked with me.
"Ely, Izzie and I don't wanna leave yet!" The boy let go of his sisters hand so he could fold his arms and began to pout. I smile, and kneel down next to him.
"Well, being sad won't get you anywhere, so try being happy. We got to see the zoo today, but it's six o'clock now and we have to go home." I look at him hoping he'd give up his childish protests of wanting to stay at the zoo.
"Miss? Miss, are you okay?" I snap out of the memory, but I won't respond to the boy, I just keep staring at him. He looks exactly like the boy I saw in my flashback.
"No, I'm not. But that doesn't matter." I look at the boy some more, why was he here? How did I know him? The faint rustle from a tree behind him alerted me to another presence. A little head with long matted black hair appeared from behind a tree.
"Is this your sister?" I motion to where she was. When she realized I had seen her, her head ducked behind the tree once more. The boy instantly was on guard, and stepped in between where she was and I.
"Yes, and she doesn't like to talk to people, so leave her alone." He tightened his arms around his chest and made it clear that he wasn't going to move unless I acknowledged what he said.
"I won't go near her, unless you say I can, or she wants me to." The young boy seemed pleased with what I said and relaxed slightly, but was still on guard.
"Do you know how I got here?" I know it was a stupid question, but these two children are the only two people I've seen since I woke up in these woods. The boy gave me a toothy grin and nodded his head.
"You're here because you have to remember and forgive. That's what the woman in the suit said to Izzie and I." A woman in a suit? So there is an adult here too? Why hasn't she come to help us? And Izzie, the name of the girl in my reels of recollections I'm having. I'm guessing he was addressing his sister. Does that mean these are the two children I saw in my vision? I squatted down so he and I were eye level, and motioned him to come a little closer.
"I'm about to ask a very silly question, but is your name Zeke?" The boy looked at me strangely and nodded vigorously, "Then I think we have met before. My name is Emily, is Izzie your sister behind the tree?"
Izzie's head popped out from behind the tree again, looking at me very closely as her brother and I talked. She didn't seem very trusting, or maybe she was just nervous.
"I've never met you before." Izzie’s voice was quiet and gentle, the opposite of her brothers loud and hyper tone. Zeke looked at me closely, then his eyes opened up a little wider.
“No, no, Izzie look. It’s Ely.” I stare at Izzie as she contemplates what he has said.
“Hmmm, maybe she is. The lady in the suit was nice enough, so Emily probably is too.” With that, Izzie walked out from behind the tree, and stood next to Zeke, grabbing his hand.
The most intense pain I have ever felt poured into my head, and I fell over. The two little children in front of me gasped as they faded away into the nothingness of what I saw in my fainted dreams.
The traffic was insane today, so many cars were merging into different lanes in hope of moving faster, only causing near accidents. That’s when it happened. We started to pick up speed when we needed to suddenly stop again. A driver too close to another hit the car in front of them and started a domino effect of pile up on the freeway. I couldn’t steer away and I could hear my little siblings yell in the back seat.
“Hold on guys!” With that I hit the car in front of me at around twenty miles per hour, and the air bag deployed, knocking me unconscious. I awoke to a head ache and gurgled sounds. I tried to get out, but I had forgotten that I was wearing a seat belt. Fumbling with the strap, I saw the engine begin to catch flame in front of me.
Finally managing to free myself I turned to help my little siblings. The back of the car was crushed, with no room. Blood littered the back of the car. I vomited seeing the horrifying sight of what minutes ago were my six year old little brother and sister. I turn away, feeling tears streak down my face as I struggle to escape the vehicle. Not managing to use the handle, I scooted myself out the newly opened window of my car. I slid onto another car’s hood who hit the side of my car head on, breaking the window.
Struggling to walk off the wreckage, a man found me and began to help me out. I look back and see that a semi-truck had flipped from the crash, landing on my car and a few others. The tears pouring down my face made my eyes burn, and the adrenaline coursing through my body was beginning to dissipate as the threat of death disappeared. As the man finally got me to a medic, I fainted, watching the horror around me turn black.
I opened my eyes to see I was in a clearing now, Zeke and Izzie were holding a woman with red hair’s hands.
“We understand you couldn’t have done anything, Ely.” Zeke looked at me sadly.
“It’s not like you would have known.” Izzie let go of the woman’s hand and hugged me, Zeke following behind her.
“It wasn’t your fault Ely, and we still love you. Thank you for taking us to the zoo.”
With that, my little siblings went back to the woman with red hair, and they all began to walk away. As they moved further away, the clearing became blurred, and disappeared into whiteness.
I opened my eyes in a white hospital room, the sterile light above me seemed as bright as the natural sun to my sensitive eyes. I look over to see a nurse with red hair is cleaning up the table in the room, setting a pot of flowers on the table as well.
Being sad won't get you anywhere, so try being happy. The words stuck in my head as the nurse realized I was awake, and went to get the doctor. I’m sorry Zeke. I’m sorry Izzie. I know it wasn’t my fault. Thank you for letting me know though, that you don’t blame me for something I would have blamed myself for. I love you too.
Friday, May 29, 2015
Shit
I fucked up badly today. Please. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.
Wednesday, April 9, 2014
Water Rapids II
Water Rapids
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
A Birthday Poem
Eli, stars shine in your eyes and you don't seem to realize what it means to be your friend,
you fight for what you love, and know what is wrong,
you love what you love, and accept what you don't,
you acknowledge the difference, and continue onward,
you stand strong for yourself,
but for others alike.
Eli, even when the winds of change come, and you tremble, you continue walking,
you fear what's ahead, but know you must face it,
you know that change always happens, and embrace it,
you let the things flow, and don't get hung up,
you remember to enjoy all you have,
but remember who gave you your joy.
Eli, whether sun or rain, your smile is bright enough to warm anyone's heart,
you bring an aura with you that give smiles,
you are the sunshine of peoples' lives,
you are the friend they can trust to go to when they are down,
you are the person they consider family,
even when their own is around.
Eli, I hope you know I love you with all my heart, cause you're like a bro,
you are one of my favorite people to talk to,
you listen when I need it and give advice then too,
you make every conversation worth having,
you can make me laugh at anytime,
even when I'm blue.
Eli, this poem is coming to end, but do not start skipping lines,
you will be amazing at anything you want,
you can achieve all you dream,
you make things happen because you're you,
you are a star in many peoples' eyes,
I see you as one.
Eli, I'm so happy that I got to meet you, because you're one of the best friends I've been blessed to meet, and I don't say that often. I know you can do great things and believe in you with all my heart. Thank you for being such a cool, big, sibling to me since I've gotten to know you. Happy birthday, love you, and have a wonderful life. This isn't goodbye by any means, but only a farewell of this poem for it should always end in peace.
From: G
Sunday, March 31, 2013
The Boy With Two Bags
It was the next day when Dean was alone, and texting on his phone, that they met. Running into the boy with two bags, a splosh of a drink now on him. "So sorry," Dean said, then noticing how the boy was in rags. He helped him the boy up, quickly, letting go oh his hands and said, "Here have mine." He addressed his own drink, coffee.
The boy with two bags, whose spoiled rags looked rather dirty, declined. "It's not you, but me. I only drink Tea." Dean's eyes looked harsh, "Well then, how about a trip to Starbucks with me?" The boy frowned, and looked down at his soiled jack and pants. He glanced back up though, "Sure I guess." With the blink of an eye they were at the cafe, tea in hand.
Dean's eyes softened as he looked at the boy with two bags. His rags were thin material, jeans ripped. His old jacket worn, shoes, battered converse, that have obviously been tripped on some. Dean couldn't help but ask, "Do you have anyone you are staying with?" The boy's gaze darkened as he stared down at his tea. "No," the coldest response Dean had ever heard. "Well then, I have no choice do I?" Dean sat up as he spoke, "Get your jacket and tea, you're going shopping with me."
The boy with two bags looked up in shock, a little in fear. Than saw Dean's eyes, soft and caring, his own about in tears. A sigh of relief, and to Dean's disbelief, he got up slowly. They soon were in Dean's car, driving to the closest town mall. "What do you want of me?" The boy asked, Dean was blank as the boy sipped his tea. "Nothing to be honest, you seem like you need new clothes is all, you see?" The boy smiled, for what felt like forever. As the pulled in his excitement grew.
The mall was busy as always, and a quick look at the directory, and they were off for his shoes. They first went to Journeys. He spotted a pair of knee high green converse. A glance at Dean, then back at them he walked to them. "Could I..?" Dean's smile grew, and that's when he knew. This boy was opening up to him. So this is the you I wasn't seeing, but I wonder what has made your look so beaten. As they moved on to the next store, Hot Topic, for jeans. Purple, black, and grey, all skinnies. A new jacket too, of a green dog with ears, softer than the softest thing to you. Now to Spencer's for shirts, four in all, sayings that would get some people butt hurt.
Dean now took the boy with five bags to the food court, buying him a meal. As they ate, Dean noticed something. He tried to debate in his head, but the decision was made instead when he said, "We're getting you one last thing to wear out there." Dean pointed at a leather store, and the boy couldn't help but smile. Dean picked one similar to his, but with a hood, and it fit just perfectly. One last stock at Abercrombie for socks and underwear. The boy smiled at Dean, and he back at the boy. "Thank you so much, but how can I repay you?" The boy asked shyly. Dean chuckled, "Maybe you can get me a piece of pie. I'm kidding, just stay in contact with me."
The boy nodded as they got into the Impala. "I'll take you where ever you want to be, but then it's bye you see?" Dean handed him his cellphone number, "Anything happens and you call this and ask for me." Finally Dean remembered to ask for the boy's name. "Dvergr," the boy smiled, "But call me Dv." Dean smiled, but thought of where he heard that name before. Oh well, he's not gonna ask for him to tell him more. "Dean Winchester."
Dvergr instructed him to a park, yet he couldn't think of anything else except how lucky he was his uncle wasn't with Dean. He knew Castiel was with the Winchesters, who had quite a name by now. With that it was good bye. A quick kiss on Dean's cheek as thank you, Dvergr walked into the park with his bags back to two.
Dean saw him the last day he was in the town, wearing a leather jacket, a green jacket underneath. Purple skinny jeans and green converse up to his knees. Two bags on him, as he crossed the street. A large gasp broke Dean's thoughts, as Castiel shouted out, "Dvergr!" The only response was the boy's look of shock.
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Shadow (I'll probably edit this later)
Not certain what to do, I could like you.
Shadows grace my face, little hints,
as I take a step in the direction of the voices.
Not knowing my future, I will walk forward,
Keeping focus on who's here,
I can see an outline of someone,
are they my friend,
or something else?
The shadow's smile so kind in this dark place,
I don't notice how the light disappears.
A false step and I fall, darkness is surrounding me.
Not knowing my future, I will walk forward,
Keeping focus on who's here,
I can see an outline of someone,
are they my friend,
A bright light blinds my grey eyes,
I flutter them open, to see his silhouette.
Piercing eyes stand out from his casting shadow,
something is different with this shadowed figure.
Not knowing my future, I will walk forward,
Keeping focus on who's here,
I can see an outline of someone,
are they my friend,
or something else?
Not knowing my future, I will walk forward,
Keeping focus on who's here,
I can see an outline of someone,
are they my friend,
or something else?
I step into your arms as I walk to you,
You aren't darkness in the least.
But a foreshadow of my future,
of a boy with a place in my heart.
Not knowing my future, I will walk forward,
Keeping focus on who's here,
I can see an outline of someone,
are they my friend,
or something else?